The real reason everyone needs self-defense training:
Empowerment-based self-defense training doesn’t just teach people to say “no” to coercive, manipulative, or explicitly violent attacks. It also facilitates deeply personal and radical growth in self-awareness and self-confidence, strengthening all our relationships to make them safer and healthier.
Nowadays, boundaries are in style, and coercive relationships are not.
“Like right now?”
“Yes!”
We all cheered when a young woman pulled out her phone during a workshop. The circle of women helped her craft a message to put an end to (perhaps unintentional but still disruptive) digital harassment:
“You’ve been messaging and calling me repeatedly. I am not interested in continuing to communicate with you. Please stop calling me.”
She pressed send, and the group congratulated her with broad smiles and applause. Her shoulders relaxed, and relief was visibly evident on her face. Often, we don’t realize we’ve been carrying tension until we take steps to release it.
We had been practicing the Magic Formula, a fundamental assertive communication practice taught in nearly all of our workshops and self-defense courses. This participant mentioned a real-life example: a man she had reluctantly given her phone number to at a café had been texting and calling her for weeks.
He wasn’t disrespectful, nor did she feel he was dangerous. However, his behavior annoyed her, caused unnecessary stress, and disrupted her days. The group encouraged her to apply the Magic Formula immediately—and she did.
In a world where women, across cultural, generational, and economic demographics, are socialized to ignore rather than address various forms of violence—from “well-intentioned” harassment to cyclical abuse or physical aggression— acknowledging that violence and verbalizing our boundaries is a simple yet radical act.
Holistic Self-Defense (ESD) might be the life practice you didn’t know you needed to deepen your relationships.
As the founder of Choose Empowerment, a social enterprise based in Costa Rica, I advocate for self-defense as a pathway to greater joy, connection, and pleasure. I believe that we cannot say a genuine “yes” to connection or intimacy without effective tools to say “no” to violence in all its forms.
ESD is an evidence-based, trauma-informed violence prevention methodology. It was developed by women martial artists (and refined over several decades) to address the spectrum of violence faced by women, children, and other vulnerable populations. It differs from martial arts or “traditional” self-defense training in that it addresses the social context of violence—and therefore of self-defense and prevention—emphasizing verbal, emotional, and psychological strategies for personal safety as much as, if not more than, physical skills.
Empowerment-focused self-defense is a daily practice. Everyone has the right to feel safe in the world and to defend that safety when threatened. In spaces like the home, workplace, or intimate relationships, where safety is often (wrongly) assumed, assertive communication strategies are especially crucial to uphold our autonomy, well-being, and security.
More than 90% of gender-based violence worldwide and across all demographics is perpetrated by someone known to the victim.
Fifty percent of those perpetrators are women’s current or former intimate partners. One in three women has experienced some form of sexual violence. Even if you think these statistics don’t apply to you, empowerment-based self-defense training can still benefit you—because everyone can benefit from it.
Empowerment-based self-defense, as my colleagues and I teach it, doesn’t just train people to say “no” to coercive, manipulative, or explicitly violent attacks. It also facilitates deeply personal and radical growth in self-awareness and self-confidence, which can make all our relationships stronger, safer, and healthier.
We can define violence and self-defense across a broad spectrum. A stranger’s attack on the street or beach is violence. Emotional abuse is violence. Online harassment is violence. Cutting comments, manipulative communication tactics, and coercion also fall on this spectrum.
We generally don’t learn basic self-defense skills, and violence prevention education is notably absent from most school and home curricula.
ESD provides practical options and strategies—both verbal and physical—for addressing risk, danger, or simple discomfort in ways that promote safety and empowerment.
At its best, I believe it can also enhance our daily interactions with family, friends, and partners by helping us identify our needs, desires, and boundaries, sharpen our intuition, and speak from it with confidence and power.
In ESD, we extensively work with “assertive communication” strategies to train boundary-setting and tension-reduction as critical skills for interrupting or defending against violence. For example, my favorite—the Magic Formula mentioned earlier—consists of three simple steps:
- Name the behavior (e.g., “You’re raising your voice,” “You’re commenting on my body,” “You’re touching me without my permission,” “You’re repeatedly calling me”) without questions or qualifiers. Questions invite responses, denial, or negotiation. In a dangerous or uncomfortable situation, we don’t want to initiate a conversation or debate the facts; we want to make the necessary changes to feel safe.
- State how the behavior makes us feel (e.g., “I don’t like that,” “That hurts,” “I feel uncomfortable,” “I’m not interested”). This step is optional but is useful for communication with people close to us who, hopefully, care about our feelings and safety.
- Demand the change we wish to see (e.g., “Lower your voice,” “Don’t make comments like that again,” “Take your hand off me,” “Stop calling me”) without feeling obligated to ask politely or say “please” if we don’t want to.
This technique works well for several reasons. First, it leaves no room for doubt; both parties know what’s happening, and we won’t argue about it. Second, it alerts potential bystanders to the situation. Finally, it clearly establishes a boundary: “You’re doing this. I don’t want you to. Stop.” If the behavior persists, we know this person doesn’t respect our boundaries or care about our needs (or isn’t paying attention).
What we do with that information is up to us.
If these strategies seem like they could enhance your personal growth and improve your relationships, romantic or otherwise, I invite you to seek out empowerment-based self-defense offerings in your city or state.
Originally published on Mujeres Fuertes Autodefensa.
By Toby Israel, Choose Empowerment Founder.
